Learning English through Jokes

Man said to God --- Why did you make women so beautiful?
God said to man --- So that you will love them.
Man said to God --- But why did you make them so dumb?
God said to man --- So that they will love you.

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1- What did the man say to God?
2- Why did he ask this?
3- Are beautifull ladies dangerous?
4- Have you ever dated a beautiful woman?
5- Why did you break up?
6- Are you a beautiful woman?
7- What is the meaning of being beautiful?
8- Do you believe in internal beauty?
9- What was God's answer ?
10- Is it easier to love someone when he or she is a good-looking one?
11- Do you think that good-looking persons are dumb?
12- Have you ever asked someone about the reason of his/her love for you?
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1. Did you hear about the blind carpenter who picked up his hammer and saw?
2. Did you hear about the deaf shepherd who gathered his flock and Heard?
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* Do you belive in miracles?
* Is it possible for a blind man just picking up a hammer and start to see?
* Is there another meaning for the word " saw"?
* What about a deaf that starts to hear just because gathered a flock?
* For a shepherd a miracle is not an impossible thing, isn't it?

Mary: John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly. What do you think, Peter?
Peter: I think you're pretty ugly.

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1- What does Jhon say about Mary.
2- What about Andy?
3- Does Peter agree with John?
4- Is Mary an egocentric girl?
5- What did you think about Peter's answer?
6- If you were Peter , How would you answer her question?
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My boss is so unpopular even his own shadow refuses to follow him.

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1- Are you popular or unpopular?
2- How many friends do you have?
3- Do you know any unpopular person?
4- What makes her or him so unpopular?
5- Do you have a boss?
6- What are your feelings about him/her?

"Do you know what really amazes me about you?"
"No.What?"
"Oops.Sorry. I was thinking about someone else!"

A person who speaks two languages is bilingual...A person who speaks three languages is trilingual...A person who speaks four or more languages is multilingual.
What is a person who speaks one language?
An American.

If big elephants have big trunks, do small elephants have suitcases?

A: Do you want to hear a dirty joke?
B: Ok
A: A white horse fell in the mud.

A nervous old lady on a bus was made even more nervous by the fact that the driver periodically took his arm out of the window. When she couldn't stand it any longer, she tapped him on the shoulder and whispered on his ear: "Young man...you keep both hands on the wheel...I'll tell you when it's raining!" :)

There is a California dude going through a desert. He's wearing shorts, sunglasses, a towel and listening to music on his walkman. He's having a good time. Suddenly he sees a caravan approaching. He stops the Arabs and ask them cheerfully: "Hey dudes how far is the sea?" They look at each other and say: "Two thousand miles!" And he says: "Wow what a cool beach!!!"

Customer: Waiter, waiter! There is a frog in my soup!!!
Waiter: Sorry, sir. The fly is on vacation.

Patient: Doctor, I think that I've been bitten by a vampire.
Doctor: Drink this glass of water.
Patient: Will it make me better?
Doctor: No, I but I'll be able to see if your neck leaks.

Said to a railroad engineer:
What's the use of having a train schedule if the trains are always late.

The reply from the railroad engineer:
How would we know they were late, if we didn't have a schedule?

A: When I stand on my head the blood rushes to my head, but when I stand on my feet the blood doesn't rush to my feet. Why is this?

B: It's because your feet aren't empty.

Teacher: Did you father help your with your homework?
Student: No, he did it all by himself.

Bank Teller: How do you like the money?
English Student: I like it very much.

"Why do you take baths in milk?"
"I can't find a cow tall enough for a shower."

Customer in a restaurant: I would like to have a plate of rice and a piece of fried chicken and a cup of coffee
Waitress : Is it enough Sir?
Customer : What? Do you think I can't buy more?

"Excuse me. Do you know the way to the zoo?"
"No, I'm sorry I don't."
"Well, it's two blocks this way, then one block to the left."

Three mice are being chased by a cat. The mice were cornered when one of the mice turned around and barked, "Ruff! Ruff! Ruff!" The surprised cat ran away scared. Later when the mice told their mother what happened, she smiled and said, "You see, it pays to be bilingual!"

Once there were three turtles. One day they decided to go on a picnic. When they got there, they realized they had forgotten the soda. The youngest turtle said he would go home and get it if they wouldn't eat the sandwiches until he got back. A week went by, then a month, finally a year, when the two turtles said,"oh, come on, let's eat the sandwiches." Suddenly the little turtle popped up from behind a rock and said, "If you do, I won't go!"

The teacher to a student: Conjugate the verb "to walk" in simple present.
The student: I walk. You walk ....
The teacher intruptes him: Quicker please.
The student: I run. You run .

Father: What did you do today to help your mother?
Son: I dried the dishes
Daughter: And I helped pick up the pieces.

A: Why are all those people running?
B: They are running a race to get a cup.
A: Who will get the cup?
B: The person who wins.
A: Then why are all the others running?

Teacher: What are some products of the West Indies?
Student: I don't know.
Teacher: Of course, you do. Where do you get sugar from?
Student: We borrow it from our neighbor.

On a crowded bus, one man noticed that another man had his eyes closed.

"What's the matter? Are you sick?" he asked.

"No, I'm okay. It's just that I hate to see old ladies standing."

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you so much! (I love you so much..)

Did you hear about the skeleton who walked into a cafe?
He ordered a cup of coffee and a mop.

One teacher said this to his students before the final test.
"A" is for God.
"B" is for me and my wife.
"C" is for the perfect student.
"D & F" are for all other students

A teenage girl had been talking on the phone for about half an hour, and then she hung up.

"Wow!," said her father, "That was short. You usually talk for two hours. What happened?"

"Wrong number," replied the girl.

PUPIL: "Would you punish me for something I didn`t do?"
TEACHER:" Of course not."
PUPIL: "Good, because I haven`t done my homework."

A teacher asked a student to write 55.
Student asked: How?
Teacher: Write 5 and beside it another 5!
The student wrote 5 and stopped.
teacher: What are you waiting for?
student: I don't know which side to write the other 5!

Little Johnny: Teacher, can I go to the bathroom?
Teacher: Little Johnny, MAY I go to the bathroom?
Little Johnny: But I asked first!

Son: Dad, what is an idiot?
Dad: An idiot is a person who tries to explain his ideas in such a strange and long way that another person who is listening to him can't understand him. Do you understand me?
Son: No.

Man: I could go to the end of the world for you.
Woman: Yes, but would you stay there?

Man: I offer you myself.
Woman: I am sorry I never accept cheap gifts.

Man: I want to share everything with you.
Woman: Let's start from your bank account.

Teacher: Why are you late?
Student: There was a man who lost a hundred dollar bill.
Teacher: That's nice. Were you helping him look for it?
Student: No. I was standing on it.

Customer: Excuse me, but I saw your thumb in my soup when you were carrying it.
Waitress: Oh, that's okay. The soup isn't hot.

The real estate agent says, "I have a good, cheap apartment for you."
The man replies, "By the week or by the month?"
The agent answers, "By the garbage dump.."

Mother: "Did you enjoy your first day at school?"
Girl: "First day? Do you mean I have to go back tomorrow?

Headmaster: I've had complaints about you, Johnny, from all your teachers. What have you been doing?
Johnny: Nothing, sir.
Headmaster: Exactly.

Teacher: "Nick, what is the past participle of the verb to ring?"
Nick: "What do you think it is, Sir?"
Teacher: "I don't think, I KNOW!"
Nick: "I don't think I know either, Sir!"

A: Hey, man! Please call me a taxi.
B: Yes, sir. You are a taxi.

A: Why are you crying?
B: The elephant is dead.
A: Was he your pet?
B: No, but I'm the one who must dig his grave.

A: Just look at that young person with the short hair and blue jeans. Is it a boy or a girl?
B: It's a girl. She's my daughter.
A: Oh, I'm sorry, sir. I didn't know that you were her father.
B: I'm not. I'm her mother.

A snail walks into a bar and the barman tells him there's a strict policy about having snails in the bar and so kicks him out. A year later the same snail re-enters the bar and asks the barman "What did you do that for?"

Two boys were arguing when the teacher entered the room.

The teacher says, "Why are you arguing?"

One boy answers, "We found a ten dollor bill and decided to give it to whoever tells the biggest lie."

"You should be ashamed of yourselves," said the teacher, "When I was your age I didn't even know what a lie was."

The boys gave the ten dollars to the teacher.

Patient: Doctor! You've got to help me! Nobody ever listens to me. No one ever pays any attention to what I have to say.

Doctor: Next please!

Patient: Doctor, I have a pain in my eye whenever I drink tea.
Doctor: Take the spoon out of the mug before you drink.

The doctor to the patient: 'You are very sick'
The patient to the doctor: 'Can I get a second opinion?'
The doctor again: 'Yes, you are very ugly too...'

My friend said he knew a man with a wooden leg named Smith.
So I asked him "What was the name of his other leg?"

A family of mice were surprised by a big cat. Father Mouse jumped and and said, "Bow-wow!" The cat ran away. "What was that, Father?" asked Baby Mouse. "Well, son, that's why it's important to learn a second language."

Girl: You would be a good dancer except for two things.
Boy: What are the two things?
Girl: Your feet.

A: I have the perfect son.
B: Does he smoke?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he drink whiskey?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: Does he ever come home late?
A: No, he doesn't.
B: I guess you really do have the perfect son. How old is he?
A: He will be six months old next Wednesday.

Plugnet teacher: You must never begin a sentence "I is ...".
Clever student: Please sir, what's wrong with "I is a vowel"

Teacher: Today, we're going to talk about the tenses. Now, if I say "I am handsome," which tense is it?
Student: Obviously it is the past tense.

The teacher speaking to a student said, "Saud, name two pronouns."
Saud who suddenly woke up, said, "Who, me?"

Q: What has many keys but can't open any doors?
A: A piano.
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Q: What has 6 eyes but can't see?
A: 3 blind mice.
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Q: Who earns money driving their customers away?
A: A taxi driver.
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Q: What is orange and sounds like parrot?
A: A carrot
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Q: Can a kangaroo jump higher than the Empire State Building?
A: Yes, because the Empire State Building can't jump!

This is a bilingual English/Spanish joke-- especially good for a class of native Spanish speakers. It also illustrates an important gramatical difference between languages (genders of nouns).

An Englishman went to Spain on a fishing trip. He hired a Spanish guide to help him find the best fishing spots. Since the Englishman was learning Spanish, he asked the guide to speak to him in Spanish and to correct any mistakes of usage. They were hiking on a mountain trail when a very large, purple and blue fly crossed their path. The Englishmen pointed at the insect with his fishing rod, and said, "Mira el mosca!" The guide, sensing a teaching opportunity, replied, "No, senor, 'la mosca'... es feminina."

The Englishman looked at him, then back at the fly, and then said, "Good heavens... you must have incredibly good eyesight."

Q: What letter of the alphabet is an insect?
A: B. (bee)

Q: What letter is a part of the head?
A: I. (eye)

Q: What letter is a drink?
A: T. (tea)

Q: What letter is a body of water?
A: C. (sea)

Q: What letter is a pronoun like "you"?
A: The letter " I "

Q: What letter is a vegetable?
A: P. (pea)

Q: What letter is an exclamation?
A: O. (oh!)

Q: What letter is a European bird?
A: J. (Jay)

Q: What letter is looking for causes ?
A: Y. (why)

Q: What four letters frighten a thief?
A: O.I.C.U. (Oh I see you!)

Q: What comes once in a minute, twice in a moment but not once in a thousand years?
A: The letter "m".

Q: Why is the letter "T" like an island ?
A: Because it is in the middle of waTer.

Q: In what way can the letter "A" help a deaf lady?
A: It can make "her" "hear.

Q: Which is the loudest vowel?
A: The letter "I". It is always in the midst of noise

Q: What way are the letter "A" and "noon" alike?
A: Both of them are in the middle of the "day".

Q: Why is "U" the happiest letter?
A: Because it is in the middle of "fun".

Q: What word of only three syllables contains 26 letters?
A: Alphabet = (26 letters)

Q: What relatives are dependent on "you"?
A: Aunt, uncle, cousin. They all need "U".

Q: What is the end of everything?
A: The letter "g".

Q: What happens when "you" and "I" are gone?
A: Only 24 letters are left. (you=the letter "u" and I the letter "i".)

Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.

A man inserted an 'ad' in the classifieds: "Wife wanted".

The next day he received a hundred letters. They all said the same thing: "You can have mine."

* In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens.
* In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens.
* In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Questions and answers

Q: When does the (English) alphabet have only 25 letters?
A: At Christmas time, because it is the time of Noel. (No L)
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Q: What starts with E, ends with E and only has one letter?
A: An envelope.
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Q: If you drop a white hat into the Red Sea, what does it become?
A: Wet.
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Q: What do you call a boomerang that won't come back?
A: A stick.
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Q: Where do you find giant snails?
A: On the ends of their fingers.
(Giants' nails.)
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Q: What travels around the world and stays in a corner?
A: A stamp.
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Q: What is white when it's dirty and black when it's clean?
A: A blackboard.
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Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A: A piiig.
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Q: What goes Oh, Oh, Oh?
A: Santa Claus walking backwards.
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Q: What do elephants have that no other animal has?
A: Baby elephants.
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Q: What did the ocean say to the beach?
A: Nothing, it just waved!
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A: Meet my new born brother.
B: Oh, he is so handsome! What's his name?
A: I don't know. I can't understand a word he says.

A: What do you call a deer with no eyes?
B: No idea. (No Eye Deer.)

A: What do you call a dead deer with no eyes?
B: Still no idea.

A guy says to his friend, "Guess how many coins I have in my pocket."
The friends says, "If I guess right, will you give me one of them?"
The first guys says, "If you guess right, I'll give you both of them!"

Teacher: How can we get some clean water?
Student: Bring the water from the river and wash it.

Two cows are standing in a field.
One says to the other "Are you worried about Mad Cow Disease?"
The other one says "No, It doesn't worry me, I'm a horse!"

Two factory workers are talking.
The woman says, "I can make the boss give me the day off."
The man replies, "And how would you do that?"
The woman says, "Just wait and see." She then hangs upside-down from the ceiling.
The boss comes in and says, "What are you doing?"
The woman replies, "I'm a light bulb."
The boss then says, "You've been working so much that you've gone crazy. I think you need to take the day off."
The man starts to follow her and the boss says, "Where are you going?"
The man says, "I'm going home, too. I can't work in the dark."

Why couldn't Cinderella be a good soccer player?

She lost her shoe, she ran away from the ball, and her coach was a pumpkin.

A: Doctor, will I be able to play the piano after the operation?
B: Yes, of course.
A: Great! I never could before!

An elementary school teacher sends this note to all parents on the first day of school.

"If you promise not to believe everything your child says happens at school, I will promise not to believe everything your child says happens at home.

Fred is 32 years old and he is still single.

One day a friend asked, "Why aren't you married? Can't you find a woman who will be a good wife?"

Fred replied, "Actually, I've found many women I wanted to marry, but when I bring them home to meet my parents, my mother doesn't like them."

His friend thinks for a moment and says, "I've got the perfect solution, just find a girl who's just like your mother."

A few months later they meet again and his friend says, "Did you find the perfect girl? Did your mother like her?"

With a frown on his face, Fred answers, "Yes, I found the perfect girl. She was just like my mother. You were right, my mother liked her very much."

The friend said, "Then what's the problem?"

Fred replied, "My father doesn't like her."

A: I'm in a big trouble!
B: Why is that?
A: I saw a mouse in my house!
B: Oh, well, all you need to do is use a trap.
A: I don't have one.
B: Well then, buy one.
A: Can't afford one.
B: I can give you mine if you want.
A: That sounds good.
B: All you need to do is just use some cheese in order to make the mouse come to the trap.
A: I don't have any cheese.
B: Okay then, take a piece of bread and put a bit of oil in it and put it in the trap.
A: I don't have oil.
B: Well, then put only a small piece of bread.
A: I don't have bread.
B: Then what is the mouse doing at your house?!

When I was young I didn't like going to weddings.
My grandmother would tell me, "You're next"
However, she stopped doing that after I started saying the same thing to her at funerals.

"Am I the first man you have ever loved?" he said.
"Of course," she answered "Why do men always ask the same question?".

A: I heard that a baby was fed on elephant's milk and gained twenty pounds in a week.
B: That's impossible. Whose baby?
A: An elephant's.

If you give a man a fish, he eats for a day.
If you teach a man to fish, he can always eat.
If you give a man a fire, he's warm for a day.
If you light a man on fire, he is warm for the rest of his life.

What are the three quickest ways of spreading a rumour (or gossip).

* Telegram
* Telephone
* Tell a woman

Perhaps not very politically correct in the times we live in, but worth a slight chuckle.

A man was pulled over for driving too fast, even though he thought he was driving just fine.

Officer: You were speeding.
Man: No, I wasn't.
Officer: Yes, you were. I'm giving you a ticket.
Man: But I wasn't speeding.
Officer: Tell that to the judge! (The officer gives man the ticket.)
Man: Would I get another ticket if I called you a jerk?
Officer: Yes, you would.
Man: What if I just thought that you were?
Officer: I can't give you a ticket for what you think.
Man: Fine, I think you're a jerk!

An unhappy man was talking to his best friend:

A: Aren't you wearing your wedding ring on the wrong finger?
B: Yes I am, I married the wrong woman.

A Scotsman who was driving home one night, ran into a car driven by an Englishman. The Scotsman got out of the car to apologize and offered the Englishman a drink from a bottle of whisky. The Englishman was glad to have a drink.
"Go on," said the Scot, "have another drink."
The Englishman drank gratefully. "But don't you want one, too?" he asked the Scotsman.
"Perhaps," replied the Scotsman, "after the police have gone."

Teacher: Mary please point to America on the map.
Maria: This is it.
Teacher: Well done. Now class, who found America?
Class: Mary did.

While on holiday in Las Vegas a couple went to see a magic show.
After one of the tricks the woman shouted out, "How did you do that?"

The magician replied, "I could tell you, madam, but if I did then
I would have to kill you."

The woman thought for a few seconds and then shouted back, "Okay,
then tell my husband how you did it."

Two workers meet one day in the canteen at work. One says to the
other, "Have you heard the news? The Managing Director of the
company died at the weekend."

The other replies, "Yes, I know. But I want to know who died with him."

"What do you mean, 'who died with him'?" asks the first.

"Well, in the paper it said that 'with him died one of the company's
best workers', and I want to know who it was."

A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. As they talked
they were constantly interupted by people describing their health
problems and asking the doctor for medical advice.

After an hour of this the doctor asked the lawyer, "What do you do to
stop people asking you for legal advice when you're out of the office?"

The lawyer replied, "I give them the advice, and then the next day I
send them a bill for the advice. They pay the bill, and never ask me for
advice outside the office again."

The doctor was shocked but decided to try it.

The next day while the doctor was preparing the new bills the postman
pushed a letter through his letterbox.

The doctor opened the envelope and inside found a bill from the lawyer.

A woman walks into a butcher's shop just before closing time and asks,
"Do you have any turkey?"

The butcher opens his fridge, takes out his only turkey and puts it on
the weighing scales. It weighs three kilogrammes.

The woman looks at the turkey and at the scales and asks, "Do you have
one that's a bit bigger than this one, please?"

The butcher puts the turkey back into the fridge and then takes it out
again, but this time when he puts it on the scales he keeps his thumb
on the turkey. The scales now show four kilogrammes.

"That's wonderful," says the woman. "I'll take both of them, please."

A young man hired by a supermarket reported for his first day of work.
The supermarket manager greeted him with a smile and a handshake,
and then gave him a brush, saying "Welcome to Smith's Supermarkets.
Here is a brush - your first job is to sweep the floor."

The young man looked amazed and said, "But I'm a university graduate."

The manager then said, "Oh, I'm sorry. I didn't realise that you are
a university graduate. Give me the brush and I'll show you how to do it."

Many hundreds of years ago a king went to see a fortune teller to
see what she could predict about the future.

The fortune teller told the king that one of his wives would die that year.

The king didn't believe her and went away laughing.

Later that year one of the king's wives died.

He remembered what the fortune teller had told him and thought that
she had caused the death of his wife, that she had made it happen.
He decided to put her to death.

He ordered that she be brought before him.

When she was before him he said to her, "A few months ago you
predicted that one of my wives would die this year, and one of them
has died. So you are a fortune teller. Now, tell me - when will you die?"

The fortune teller realised that the king was planning to kill her,
so she thought very carefully before answering, "I will die three days
before you do, your majesty."

A teacher said, "Mary, I'd like you to give me a sentence beginning
with 'I', please."

Mary thought for a few seconds and then said, "I is..."

The teacher interupted her and said, "No Mary, you cannot begin a
sentence with 'I is' - you must use 'I am'."

Mary looked upset and said, "But Miss..."

The teacher shouted, "Give me a sentence beginning with 'I am', please."

Mary shrugged her shoulders and said, "I am the ninth letter of the alphabet."

The soldiers had been in the field for two weeks and hadn't had
showers or been able to change their clothes.

Then one day the general came along and said, "Men, I have some
good news and some bad news. Which would you like first?"

All the men shouted, "Tell us the good news, tell us the good news."

The general smiled and said, "Men, the good news is that today we're
going to change our underwear."

All the men cheered.

Then the general said, "Now the bad news. Smith, you change with Jones.
Jackson, you change with Thomson ... "

A man goes to the doctor and says, "Doctor, please help me. I hurt all over."

The doctor asked the man to explain more.

The man said, "When I touch my arm it hurts, when I touch my leg it
hurts, when I touch my head it hurts. Everywhere I touch it hurts."

The doctor examined the man and said, "Mr Smith, your finger is broken!"

A man is in jail for robbing 27 banks. One day
he receives a letter from his wife. It says...


Dear Peter

As you are in jail I will have to plant the
potatoes in the garden myself.

When is the best time to plant them?

Love

Susan


He sends her the following reply...


Dear Susan

Do not plant the potatoes in the garden as
that is where I have hidden all the money
from the bank robberies.

Love

Peter


A few days later he receives another letter...


Dear Peter

It's terrible. Yesterday twenty policemen
came to the house and dug up the whole
garden, but they didn't find anything.

Love Susan


He sends her the following reply...


Dear Susan

Now is the best time to plant the potatoes!

Love

Peter

It was the first day of Biology for a group of teenagers. The
professor had arranged a short demonstration for the class.

He took a worm and dropped it into a glass of water. The worm
wriggled about in the water.

Then he took a second worm and dropped it into a glass of alcohol.
The worm immediately died.

The professor asked the students if anyone knew what the point of
the demonstration was.

A boy raised his hand and said, "You're showing us that if we drink
alcohol, we won't have worms."

One afternoon a wealthy laywer was sitting in the back of his ,
limousine being driven to work, when he saw two men eating grass
by the side of the road.

He ordered his driver to stop, and then he got out to investigate.

"Why are you eating grass?" he asked the men.

"Sir, we don't have any money for food," one of the men replied.

"Come along with me," instructed the lawyer.

The first man said, "But sir, I have a wife and two children. They
are also hungry."

"Bring them along too," replied the lawyer.

The second man said, "Sir, I have a wife and six children. Can they
come as well, please?"

"No problem, bring them as well," answered the lawyer as he climbed
back into his limo.

Finally, they were all in the limo - the lawyer, the two men, their
two wives and eight children.

One of the men said, "Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all
of us with you."

The lawyer replied, "No problem, there will be plenty to eat at my home.
The grass is almost half a metre tall."

A little boy returned home from school and told his father that he
had failed the maths test.

His father asked him, "Why did you fail?"

The boy replied, "The teacher asked me 'How much is 3 x 2?' and I said
'3 x 2 is 6'."

"Well, that's right" said his father.

The little boy continued, "Then she asked me 'How much is 2 x 3?"

"What the hell is the difference?" asked the father.

The son replied, "That's exactly what I said to my teacher and that's
why I failed the maths test.

A woman is walking along a beach when she finds an old oil lamp.
She picks it up and rubs it, and out comes a genie.

The genie says to the woman, "Thank you for freeing me from the oil lamp.
I will grant you three wishes, but whatever you wish for, your horrible ex-husband will get twice as much. What is your first wish?"

The woman says, "I'd like a million dollars in my bank account, please!"

The genie says, "You now have a million dollars in your bank account,
and your ex-husband now has two million dollars. What is your second wish?"

The woman says, "I've always wanted a nice car. I'd like a brand new
Rolls-Royce, please!"

The genie says, "You now have a new Rolls-Royce in your garage
at home, and your ex-husband now has two new Rolls-Royces.
What is your third wish?"

The woman thought for a while and then said, "I'd like you to remove one
of my kidneys, please!"

A man visits God and says "God, do you mind if I ask you a
few questions?" God says "No, ask me anything at all."

So the man says "God, you've been around for a very long time,
so, for you, how long is a thousand years?"

God replies "For me, a thousand years is only five minutes."

The man then says "That's interesting God. And, for you,
how much is a million dollars?"

God replies "For me, a million dollars is only five cents."

The man says "Really? Well then God, could you lend me
five cents please?"

God looks at the man, smiles, and says "Of course my son.
Just wait five minutes!"

Teacher: Tomorrow there'll b a lecture on Sun. Everyone must attend.
Tom: No! I wont be able to attend. My mom wont allow me to go so far!